Self Heed to Succeed

I’m sorry for not having the guts to come to you with this earlier There’s so many things I would like to tell you, ask you about… so many conversations we have never had, but need to have, withstanding the ticking of time. We’ve been playing a game of avoidance for decades now, gulping every feeling of weakness, fear or true sentiment, hoping we could read each other's minds.  Now that rush of time, is making itself be heard a little bit louder, ticking under the weight of draughts and lockdowns, the fear of misusing the present we own is beyond any feeling of shame, fragility or fear. I can feel it moving under my feet and as much as I’m grateful for the one I have and have had, it’s closely bringing me to a realisation that the end of a chapter is getting closer and closer every day.  So many questions rumbling through my head, laying them all out will have them mistaken for a SAT test.

Down Memory Lane Remember that one time you first became curious about something, the first time you were passionate, excited to jump off the bed every dawn, for the sake of doing that one thing?That one dream you'd obsess about, running down the street to catch the last bus, just in time for class; and at 3:00am with your eyes shut, dreaming about that warmth you feel everytime doing it? Now, do you remember that one day you woke up and everything felt perfect, you were at the top of your game and you felt like you held life in your fingers? Do you remember the pain you felt in your chest when that one person told you, your passion, dream and source of purpose, wasn’t good enough for this world? When the phrase started with “It’s” and ended with “just a phase”, when you first heard the words “you’ll grow out of it” and "it’s not realistic” and from the one person you trusted: “Do as you're told”. When the teacher and your peers at school laughed about your dream of becomi...

That moment it hit me, my whole life changed its course. It went from a hollow place of pain, where nothing made sense, the days felt like meaningless tortures I would put myself through, to distract me from the agony of spending time with my dark thoughts.  To an inconvenient convenient amount of surprises and challenges to defeat.  Some of those that regenerate the death in your skin cells, provide you with outburst of adrenaline and oxytocin from the extra extent I would go, to love and respect myself.  Speaking my mind, unfiltered of shame, suppression and conformism. What a release.. You will go through so many things in life, just like a gumball machine. This huge fishbowl of 97 cherry red coloured wrapped gums, except for those 3 green sour ones. Life will throw both shit and diamonds at you. You have to recognise which is which to get closer to what's good for you.  "This shall pass too.", as what's meant for you is out there and like our scent, it's no on...

So many years and years spent trying to get the cool kids, any kid to be honest, to see me.  To see the person, the soul behind the black skin, to see the little girl behind the fat, to see the generous and selfless girl behind the financial issues, to see the smart girl behind the cheap, reused and re-sewed clothes.  I was trying to get blinded people to open their eyes to the vastness of me.  I was relating my self-love to people who did not know how to love.  I was imposing my carefulness on people who didn't care, my smiles on people that laughed behind backs.  I was giving my time to people who had plenty, but chose to give it elsewhere or do nothing with it instead.  I wanted to be called for fun activities, by people who only knew how to make fun of me.  My self-esteem and self-love, was nonexistent to a point I started believing I did not deserve it, I started believing I would spend my life alone, I started believing no one would want me roman...