Homage to Mum & Dad

I’m sorry for not having the guts to come to you with this earlier

There’s so many things I would like to tell you, ask you about… so many conversations we have never had, but need to have, withstanding the ticking of time.

We’ve been playing a game of avoidance for decades now, gulping every feeling of weakness, fear or true sentiment, hoping we could read each other's minds. 

Now that rush of time, is making itself be heard a little bit louder, ticking under the weight of draughts and lockdowns, the fear of misusing the present we own is beyond any feeling of shame, fragility or fear.

I can feel it moving under my feet and as much as I’m grateful for the one I have and have had, it’s closely bringing me to a realisation that the end of a chapter is getting closer and closer every day. 

So many questions rumbling through my head, laying them all out will have them mistaken for a SAT test.


Yet unspoken questions

I would love to know how it was for you growing up, truly; how you felt, your first passion, your first disappointments, your first understanding of love and how that impacted your relationships, how you saw yourself in society and the hurdles you’ve found along the way to finding yourself; the thought process you had making life-changing decisions you’ve had to make and the most irrelevant ones too. 

I want to know how you felt when you learned you were pregnant as a couple and whether you truly felt ready to raise a kid or doubted the fact you could’ve done a good job, raising another human creature into the mess, life on earth is and what exactly you doubted about. 

Questions to understand where you were coming from when you started creating my “coming from”. I’d love to understand what shaped your knowledge, your love language, your sense of being and judgement of what was good and what wasn’t, so that I can understand what your best was affected by, to build a better best for those who will come after us.


The mistakes we won’t leave on repeat

I want to sit down over tea and discuss your dreams, what you would’ve wanted to achieve for yourself and what stopped you from doing that. Many times I thought I was the reason for your unhappiness, but had to teach myself not to take responsibility for other people’s choices, and that is my choice. 

I could have been an easy excuse to not doing many things, but that is something I will teach to my kids, that it’s okay to feel the need to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of others, but it’s even better to show them how to love themselves, by doing the things they love with the people they love, so that they can understand why you do them, instead of building resentment. That there’s going to be days where I won’t feel great and it’s not going to be because of them, because I won’t leave room to interpretation, I will prepare them to the real world, how it’s important to talk about our feelings, that it’s okay to show vulnerability to the people you care about, because they need to know you’re not a robot, they need to also learn how to love you, and if you decide to avoid feeling or showing that you feel, they’ll just assume everything is okay, until the day you erupt, and everything goes to hell.

I want to be able to be me by myself and with them; explain how my parents didn’t feel like they could and that created a lot of situations that could have easily been avoided, by not avoiding.


The power owned in the now

I wish for you to know there’s no remorse or hate, if not gratitude for having done the best you thought you could do and for the hard work you showed possible for the people you cared for, even when words remained unspoken and at the price of your own happiness. 

Life with you has taught me the scariest of all lessons; time. How we can never trust time and if we want something to happen, we have to go out of our way to get it. You’ve taught me the importance of appreciation, how it’s of the essence that we let the people we love know we Love them. You’ve taught me to be grateful for the small that I have, cause you never know when that small is going to be taken away from you, without fear that it might. You’ve taught me life, that things won’t always go the way you expect them to go and it’s okay to be ready for either. You taught me how the majority of the time the issues we have are for dishonesty in the way we feel, hence to be straight up about it, as you might never have a second chance.

It’s never too late until it is. Tomorrow is already late for a future known for uncertainty. A future that teams up with your present to remind you of its unpredictability. A coup to nudge you to live the present, as the present is the only thing you can be sure of.

The past we remember is unreliable, as we remember the thought of our past, which is influenced by the way we were feeling at that time and only our perspective of the event, whereas tomorrow is yet to exist. 

Only now is our time to glow. Our time to say the things that remain unsaid, whether out of fear or relying on having more days to go. 

We owe it to ourselves to start living today and not tomorrow. I owe it to my mum, who thought she was going to come back to her family and have many more celebrations to share with us. God knows the things she kept to herself, that might hold her back from getting through. If I have any power of having her living through me, I will take that power to release anyone that stood here before me and felt like they couldn’t take control of living their own lives the way they truly wanted.

 

Location: London London, UK
High school dropout, who emigrated from Italy to London in 2019. Spiritual being who confidently made her way to a life of contentment, freedom and individualistic thinking, in an illusive world.

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