It Gets Deeper..

So many years and years spent trying to get the cool kids, any kid to be honest, to see me. 

To see the person, the soul behind the black skin, to see the little girl behind the fat, to see the generous and selfless girl behind the financial issues, to see the smart girl behind the cheap, reused and re-sewed clothes. 

I was trying to get blinded people to open their eyes to the vastness of me. 

I was relating my self-love to people who did not know how to love. 

I was imposing my carefulness on people who didn't care, my smiles on people that laughed behind backs. 

I was giving my time to people who had plenty, but chose to give it elsewhere or do nothing with it instead. 

I wanted to be called for fun activities, by people who only knew how to make fun of me. 

My self-esteem and self-love, was nonexistent to a point I started believing I did not deserve it, I started believing I would spend my life alone, I started believing no one would want me romantically, I started believing I wasn't a good enough friend, I started believing it was pointless for me to try, because I always failed to get recognised, praised or even just be accepted. 

I was trying so hard for people to go past the appearance, I started believing that was all I had to give and to show for. I started buying the cool stuff, dressing in the cool way and being remembered as the cool fashionista. 

I was trapped. Trapped in my own skin, to an extent I would suppress anything else that was not going to get me the attention, anything controversial, shutting up to avoid disagreement, keep silent to avoid making a scene, “Say yes and obey, Susan, they will Love You Then..”. 

I started bowing down to the weight of my own lies that felt like truths.. exchanging my blood, sweat and tears for Pennies.. 

I felt so disgusting that I would keep people at arms length, in complete certainty to the incapability of being loved, ever. I feared opening my heart, instead I just stood in awe of what I wanted from across the street, never too close risking being seen or far away to miss out on the beauty.

I was abandoned to the fact that I was friends with everyone, but friend of no-one.

I felt betrayed by the people I thought were my friends but still chose me last for team games.

I felt used, as the black friend to show inclusion, when the only inclusion you would get is a bleached mouth to sound like the abuser and shame of laughing with them, when they would point at a pile of shit and rename it Susan.

The friend that’s there, no matter how much you ignore her, because “Hey she's desperate for my acceptance” 

I was trying to be seen, I was trying to be accepted, acknowledged as a person, to people who could only see facades. 

I felt like I didn't matter, like my presence wasn't needed, my life wasn't worth the hassle.

I hadn't realised those who would see past the skin colour, past being a woman, past the "extra" fat, past the poorness, past the new kid label, I just wanted THEM to see me, to see my shades of rainbow and the undiscovered garden of love I had inside. I guess we both couldn’t see it…

I wanted and craved someone to look at me and treat me like a human being, instead of a cigarette you smoke, step on with your left foot, just to make sure you don't get 7 years of bad sex..

Now there can never be an us without a Me. All of me, not just the pretty parts, the ugly, the dirty, the crazy, the delusional, the ideologist, ALL OF IT.

There's no chasing, no leash for me to hang on, you are free to go whenever.

No cages packed with fake love, to keep people in, no fake smiles to make people feel good about what they've said, no accepting disrespect and superficial talk, if that's all you can give. 

No more. Huhn Huhn. 

I Love Me first, it's a me era, it's a love it or leave it era, it's a cleaning up era, it's a “I won't sell my love for your acceptance” era, it's a "I finally love myself" era and no one can ever take that away from me.