The one who doesn't apologise for who they are, but their actions

Down Memory Lane

Remember that one time you first became curious about something, the first time you were passionate, excited to jump off the bed every dawn, for the sake of doing that one thing?That one dream you'd obsess about, running down the street to catch the last bus, just in time for class; and at 3:00am with your eyes shut, dreaming about that warmth you feel everytime doing it?

Now, do you remember that one day you woke up and everything felt perfect, you were at the top of your game and you felt like you held life in your fingers? Do you remember the pain you felt in your chest when that one person told you, your passion, dream and source of purpose, wasn’t good enough for this world? When the phrase started with “It’s” and ended with “just a phase”, when you first heard the words “you’ll grow out of it” and "it’s not realistic” and from the one person you trusted: “Do as you're told”. When the teacher and your peers at school laughed about your dream of becoming a…… (for you to fill in) Remember when your parents told you to focus on getting your receipts for giving your best years to institutions and cheating your way through tests, just to get it over with and make them happy?

Do you remember how slowly you started to lose yourself in the midst of people’s insecurities projected down to you and your own self-doubt?

Do you even remember the day you forgot what your passion was about and if anyone asked, it would take you a second to recall it? Do you remember that one night you felt like life had it in for you and nothing worked in your favour? Do you remember the exact moment you started borrowing someone else’s mask, to hide the uncertainties you had about being you?

The ripple effect of counterfeiting

I don’t remember how it had all started. It’s a mischievous cancer that creeps on you, until it takes over any command. It becomes the beast you were so afraid of becoming, as if you'd been stuck with this dark aura that haunts every breathing moment of your life. The mask starts melting into your skin and the line between the two, blurs away at the back of your mind. You lose yourself to the point you stumble on words introducing yourself to the world, not truly knowing where you start and the monster ends. 

You’re a spectator to your own journey, the passenger to your own vehicle. You fear for it profoundly, yet there’s nothing you can do when it's someone else driving.

We become so submissive to life, we let things happen to us, then complain about not being in control nor satisfied with the outcome. We project our insicurities onto each other, in this aggressive ballet choreography, fearing to live. Fearing to take ownership of our actions and circumstances. We fear independence, when everything falls down on us the weight of failure feels slightly heavier on our shoulders. We fear confrontation with our darkest truths, because that would be admitting we are not so candid and angelical beings we portray ourselves as. We have internal abysses we haven't even discovered yet, let alone know the existence of.

That feeling, which even the thought of, incapacitates you, is what either wakes up from Wonderland or inhibits us even further to a point of no return to what reality really is.

The awakening

You watch your time walk past you, until this one day. This one day you’ve had enough of picking yourself up, getting hurt and chewed, disaster after disaster.

This one day, enough is enough.

This one day your neighbour comes banging on your door, in the hope to save you from a serial killer, due to the liberating scream you’ve just had.

This one day is when you decide to reclaim your life back. To recoup your power back from anyone who’s had a sip more than offered, because they felt they could.

This one day someone or something opens your three eyes to a version of you, who’s proud about every shortcoming, because they know the strength it took for you to try and to build the stronger human you are now. This one day you forgive You for the neglect you’ve given yourself and for all those times you gave away your independence to someone who had no idea what to do with it and ended up screwing you both. 

This one day everything that has ever happened makes sense; how every action had a cause and effect, and nothing was ever random. You begin seeing all the Dominoes that played a hand, in that torturous game you called Life.  

Back yourself at any given time

Someone recently reminded me of the importance of backing myself up. Truly own my intentions and halt fear for the receiving reaction, stopping me from being transparent with myself.

Regardless of the outcome, we decided to do something in particular for a reason, back that reason. Be proud of my choices, cause only I know the thought process that goes behind it, only I know the true motivator for my actions. Why hide it in the shadows, for it to only come out when summoned?

Be very proud, confident and trusting of my own decisions. Only I know the seconds spent weighing my options, the anticipated win-win situations and awareness of the opposite.

If there’s someone involved, you have to know how your being might serve or injure them. Let them choose to be buyers. We are all buyers, we pay with our time, affection and attention; money is expensive, but talk is too; most importantly our time and peace. Those cost an unmatchable amount!

We ought to be undoubtedly sure of what and who we tend to spend our time with, invest in and cultivate, as it will either be a wealthy choice or a poor one.

We owe it to us and everyone else, acknowledgement of our own self, owning everything with humble pride. We are a lot of things, not just the lover, the offspring, the colleague, the athlete, the whatever. We are every version of us. We can be everything we allow ourselves to be.

We owe it to anyone who’s in the books for us to meet in this lifetime, whomever we’ll ever touch, meet, love, ignore, … I owe awareness to all of us. Awareness of my being and to share that awareness with whomever will choose to invest. 

Our narrative has to change, the words we tell ourselves have to change. We should speak from a position of confidence, knowing whatever happens we still have the power to choose, if privileged enough to have free will. 

And the internal dialogue goes:

 “I am a lot of things. I’m the pallet to the artist, an array of colours amalgamating to create new ones. 

This is the woman you don’t take lightly, a compound interest that’s yet to fruit.

This is the woman you’ll have to elevate yourself for, as she does. She won’t be the same, two years in a row, she will keep bettering herself. This is the woman who will keep you accountable to what you say and challenge that truth when your actions speak otherwise. This is the woman who won’t sit and take it all, who won’t shut up, who will give it to you straight, like it or not. This is the woman who doesn’t care about the excuses, it was a choice and as such, it should be owned to move forward. Otherwise, invited to watch the door close behind her. 

This is the woman who will think very carefully before saying "Yes", but won’t hesitate to say "No", cause she knows her time is the most precious thing she has to share. This is the woman your parents will obsess about. The one who will put a spotlight on your traumas and get you choosing between growing with her and facing them, or reserving you a spot on the sidewalk, for you and fears to witness how she moves onto the much more life has to show her. 

This is the type of woman who will challenge everything you say to eliminate bias, who will go above and beyond to understand you, and how your thinking process works. 

She will make sure to ask how to love you, that is her respect. She will ask for your boundaries and question you when you mistreat them. She’s the woman who wants to share what freedom feels like with you. See you shine, all parts of you unapologetically and for that, love you unconditionally.

She does not say sorry for who she is, she says sorry for her mistakes, which are actions she soon after learns from.

This woman is the woman you hesitate to get close to, when hiding something. You’ll soon face a mirror shedding light on the misbehaviour partaken. She puts reasoning and value to everything, a scarecrow to whoever fears the abyss of the unknown. She intimidates those who value time over depth, as she carries an endless amount of love and gratitude for the chance at a life. Whether you have the capacity to receive it, you will certainly find out quite soon, she does not play with time. 

She’s a woman who would endlessly listen to you and support you in finding a solution. 

She wants partners in crime life, whether in friendships, family or romantic relationships. She wants someone who abstains from taking things for granted; someone who appreciates the now, someone who doesn't need a sugarcoat and leaves that to the donuts. Someone who doesn’t need her, but chooses to share their independence with her. 

She is a fixer, but rest assured she will help no one who doesn’t want to help themselves first, meaning, she will not waste her time on someone who doesn’t consider their life worth living and ever evolving for. 

She’s a tough woman who can be critical, assertive. Condescending, authoritative, stubborn, analytical, spontaneous, opportunist, driven, relentless and even more; so don’t you dare see this as a weakness, as any success she’s ever had with herself, it’s been thanks to her brains partnering up with her naive heart. 

She has to have such a strong alter ego, to balance the sweetheart she is. She walks with an innocence for love and peace,what you would call utopian. Someone who believes anything is achievable with the simple power of honesty, will and compassion, crazy right?! 

She sees the best in people, the potential you and the cry for help behind the mask. It’s not always appreciated, as someone will have to first agree there’s a better “them” than the “them” they chose to act.

She’s that woman who would sit down and rejoice pain, for without, she wouldn’t know the existence of pleasure and happiness. The woman who strives to be a better self and dare to fail, to then look back and learn the lesson she needed to win.

She’s a woman who’s compassion will look straight in the eye of her murderer, ask how she can help them heal and give thanks for the time she’s been alive.

She lives one second at the time, hence her Carpe Diemism gets her misunderstood, by merely insulting the reality of anyone who gambles the ticking of time. 

She takes calculated risks. She will get ready for any situation, and still decide the recklessness is worth doing. I would say she’s the person you would want to plan your wedding, but end up firing for capturing your partner's attention.

What happens with people that live, they emanate positive energy, a contagious and addicting energy, so addictive you would screw your routine for that one sugar rush. 

She understands the burden of living, even though she’s just too busy living it, to care. She embraces challenges and can’t stand mundanity for herself. She will run off in the fear of being contained. She cannot be minimised. 

Her love for life goes far beyond the union, goes far beyond saving face, shame, fear and anything in between. She would perish away, dry out, becoming the ghost of dust that never got to be and matter, otherwise. 

She’s both the life of the party, the all-nighter, the “Girl, we ain’t going nowhere until my legs hurt” type of person, then goes a month off the face of earth, charging her soul, doing the simple things she loves. You might find her going for a hike in nature, to smoke nature; singing at the top of her lungs; dancing to every beat; diving into the new topic of interest, bingeing on documentaries or suspenseful psychological thrillers, with a pinch of drama to reflect on, on Netflix. Spending hours taking care of her plants and her never ending meditation, yoga, gym sessions, she salutes the body she was very lucky to grow in with. She can be confusing and contradictory, as she doesn’t see black or white, but simply colours to give life to her rainbow.

She might have you rethink everything you’ve ever thought true, for you to come down to your own conclusions, and avoid regurgitations of what learnt during our years of indoctrination. 

She’s that one host that just keeps on getting better ratings, as she will consider the feedback given and better what’s possible. She's a student of life, not a follower. She will dissect information, understand the perspectives, challenge the status quo where needed and make her own judgement of certainties that haven't been proved wrong yet. 

She’s that street smart, that comes from anything but the street and book smart, who doesn’t fall victim to the institutional education system. She self-teaches from experience, improving as she goes.

She’s the woman who will sit in a room full of people and truly listen to the words that aren’t spoken. The one you’ll find on the balcony at a party gazing at the night sky. And the silly one who will jump out of nowhere and scare the life out of you.

This woman is a lot and even describing her with words is limiting. She’s eternal, as she lives through the powers and wisdom of those that were before, those that live now and fuels that of who’s next. She's not one person, she’s every ancestor there’s ever been, she walks on a legacy of leaders, creators, visionaries, witches and shamans, healers, warriors, devils and angels. There’s nothing that can hurt her more than not acknowledging the souls she is and under living the blessing of being who she is. She’s a lot for those who can’t handle the weight of the present, the understanding of the past and the joy derived from a future full of uncertainty. She’s not for the many, she’s only for niche ones.

That woman is me. There’s all to be proud of and nothing to be ashamed of!"