The Pain of Self Awareness

Doubts on the journey to self-discovery

What do I want for myself with others? There’s no easy answer to this, is there? On one hand I don’t want to be the reason why someone is held back by fueling their fears, worries and insecurities..whatever, but on the other hand I don’t want to be so hard on those that deserve compassion. But how can I be compassionate to someone, still be of help in their self discovery, but be aware of where mine is and what it allows in?... I mean I can’t help but feel like if I give compassion and love to them for what they are now, with hurdles and all, that I might be one of the reasons to delay their awakening from whatever is holding them back; on the flip side there’s me being there with them and help them see more to themselves, swallowing my being for the sake of saving theirs. 

So what if someone isn’t ready to own the version of themselves they might hope to be, but fail to accomplish by keeping the same actions? Should I just cut them off? I would sai if it hinders me, then sure, but what about when it doesn't, when someone is so desperate, knowingly or unknowingly, and brings more to me, is giving me more than they’re giving themselves? I fear that would be me taking advantage of their unconscious bias, me reaping the benefits at their dispense. 

It’s a very sticky situation, cause I can’t have it all, but if I give it all and keep everyone close that’s unable to see past themselves, what is that going to mean for me? I might lose it all and fall back on the paths I so hardly worked to move from… 

How can I show up for everyone that's in pain or in avoidance, without spreading myself too thin? What happens when I’ve showed up for all those that were unable to fully give back and honour me for me and not what I represent to them or for them? What happens when they’re unable to fully show up for me as me or as themselves? 

What about all those that might depend on me, because of what I can give? Do I want people to depend on me, no. Do I want to depend on them, neither.. help them as I help me, yes; but if feels like me being there would make them depend on me, even if slightly. As a conversation I recently had with someone who mentioned not liking being by themselves for the thoughts that arise.. I don’t want that kind of responsibility, I don’t want to be there for someone, because they feel like they need the company, I want to be there, because they want my company.

When others depend on me, I would have to take them into account for everything I choose to do and be.. I want freedom, but it’s like a double edge sword when that freedom comes with a high price, and that price might just be lonely-hood. We’ve all grown so dependent on the people around us, that if we’re not, it also means we can’t be fully there with them.. 

A conundrum that haunts me. 

Everyone has a choice and everyone should take responsibility for their actions, so what happens when I see how someone might be slowed down by unconscious forces, if I don’t tell, it’ll haunt me and weight over my head, cause I wouldn’t care for them if I wouldn’t share it them; If I see and say something they might retreat or retaliate, fight or flight, bu at least with some insights; at the same time if I do tell and it’s seen as an attack to the person, then would it be on me for sharing the message, or on them for not questioning what raised the concern, for not questioning whether that concern is based upon facts they’ve chosen to disregard…what happens then? 

The only answer I can get to is lonely hood. Is that the price for seeing through someone? Living with this constant over developed sight, seems to result in my loneliness. I read I’ll keep searching until I find someone that instead of going on the defence actually raises the question, someone that tries to understand, someone that goes beyond the feeling of being exposed .. 

But what about all others? Is it just about planting a seed, showing them another way and leaving the responsibility to them, with me there or not? Would I be giving up on people that are currently unaware of not being there in the present? 

Am I holding to a toxic pattern of “get better or I dash”, “want more to you or I say goodbye”? Is being extra careful about my surroundings making me paranoid? Is me being so black and white holding me back? Is my over-observation about potential red flags, a red flag itself? Am I afraid of being hurt? Am I afraid of being disappointed? Because those are all things that I can choose to be, alongside changing the perspective and being compassionate towards whoever is disappointing, whoever is hurting and manipulating for love, but where does it end? Where does it end when 99% of people have issues they’ve learned to be normal? Where does the list of people I either cut off or leave behind end, when I chop and cut whoever doesn’t fit in my plans of reaching a better life? Where does my list of souls hurt, because they didn’t live up to my standards of life, ends? Where does my list of bodies left alone end, when I have no one else left around me other than family? As they’re the ones who are expected to always be there for you regardless? Where does my list of people I felt the need to cut out of my life end, because I didn’t agree with them not living up to theirs? 

How’s that my “enlightenment” benefiting me, when I gain and see all the beauties this world has to offer, but no one to share it with, go with or come back to, because I felt like I was better than them for being more self aware? Where does it end? 

How is that my self awareness making me unrelatable? How’s that my self awareness pulling me further away from the people I want to spend life with, because I feel like I’m too good to just sit and cry over spilt milk, or be cheesy to prove I love someone? How’s that what’s saving me, also condaming me to a lonely life? How’s that the thing that will lead me to meet and connect with so many people, as it’s already doing, also the thing that would then cut them off or push them away for not being on the same journey as self-discovery? How’s that the thing that’s making my life fuller, also the thing that’s making me grasp for air at the thought of not having people to celebrate it with? 

How’s that the norm has become my defeat? How’s that everyone gets to enjoy whatever life is together, depending on each other and being there for each other so much they would kill or be killed for each other, taking each others responsibilities, offering a ear for someone to rant to, having each others back no matter what done, with the result of either ignoring sides of ourselves or avoiding dealing with our issues, TOGETHER, and me that I would rather cut myself off, be a martyr and live a life longing for some belonging, fair in any way to me? How is it fair to me, for me to detach myself, so that they can re-evaluate their decision to show up for themselves in ways that would make them feel more whole and less empty, less unsure, less insecure, less in fear? How’s this seemingly hurting me the most in the long run?

Am I trying to play god, trying to save everyone from themselves? Am I really having a god complex? Am I delusional for wanting to see others feel what it feels like to be free of all those things that are holding us back from our best self? Am I way in over my head thinking I can open, question, challenge the mind of every person I’ll ever meet, or at least leave them with something, planting that seed that would then, maybe, grow into the tree of life, we all deserve to experience? What am I doing? Is it even worth it?

I mean.. I could definitely say the process is worth it for me. I’ve never felt more alive, as I’m endlessly growing and learning from everything and everyone. So how’s that such a beautiful journey, now making me regret ever starting? How’s that even if I felt lonelier, I felt more part of a group, of use and appreciated when I was at my worst? How’s that I shared more with others, when I was unable or refused  to see myself, that I’m sharing now (seemingly, as this could just be an emotional backlash or doubt moment)? 

So many questions that lead to no answer.. What’s been learned has been learned and cannot be forgotten nor ignored, as it would only twist every inch of guts I have left, that hasn’t been damaged from the early drinking, smoking, or whatever…, crush every promise I have ever made to myself about being honest. 

I see pain and fear of loneliness in the horizon and sadness about the lives that could be in my life tomorrow, but today's evaluation was dismissed from ever happening? Who do I give trust to? Who can I trust to take on the responsibility for themselves in the future, when in the present, they’re giving no indication that would ever be a consideration? How long should I wait, how many chances should I give?

How am I supposed to live a full life, when it’s nothing but full just for me? How can I give, without draining me? How can I keep all those people I’m about to meet and cross paths with, in my life, when there's one of me and thousands if not millions, maybe billions of them? Who should I ask for directions? Who can I trust to solve this problem if not myself? Who can make the decision for me, if not myself? Who can I trust to challenge each other to be better? Who can I go to when I need support, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need someone to talk to, when I need nothing but sugar-free honesty, when I need someone that can work on a solution with me, instead of diving into the problem? Who even has all the answers? Where should the wise go for wisdom?

Freedom is all I asked for, being independent in a world that’s made to be dependent on, never realising the burden of being free brings. I don’t want those who need me, I want those who want me for me, as I don’t need anyone, but I want to experience everyone.

For now, I’m left with being so strong  yet so frail, so confident  yet so unsure, so social yet so alone.